Reflections on Physical Pain and Suffering

This post is about something that's very close to my heart. I've been forced to reflect upon this issue very deeply simply because I've noticed a change in myself. I guess it's kind of weird because the focus of this blog is to talk about deep theology and philosophy, but I've decided to share my thoughts on my personal afflictions with physical pain and the effect they've had on my life and my overall psyche.

I've had constant physical "screw ups" in my life where one part of my body gets messed up, and when that gets all better, the next one comes (then I find the last one sometimes resurfaces). I've had my knees give out on me, severe ingrown toenails, a toe that the doctor messed up, random pains, messed up teeth, severe upper back pain, my back has given out, chronic wrist pain, my pinky has given out on me and has no strength at all, surgery for infection, etc. It goes on, but like most people, I try to be thankful for my relatively healthy body.

But if you can empathize with chronic physical pain, you will understand what I mean by all this. There's a certain overall exhaustion and emotional weariness that comes from such a frail body, not to mention how it affects one's self-esteem and even, in my case, has led to periods of anger. No matter how strong you are, it's emotionally draining. The fact is, I'm a young man. I shudder to think of my future physical state but I try to leave that to God.

The following are some things I've learned in this continual process of trusting God. If anybody finds this helpful, I would love to hear about it.

1) God may be preventing something.
This is the one I've been really reflecting on the most. Some of my friends will remember the zeal in my heart, just a few years back, to go on the mission field. I learned to ride my motorcycle because my friend and I were going to ride down Central America for a missions trip, and I also added Intercultural Studies (Biola's undergrad missions program) as a second major for a time. I was on fire and I was certain God was guiding me on that path. I could still say to this day that God gave me the desire to serve him in this way.

But what happened? My motorcycle would slowly have more problems that eventually led to my cancellation of the trip. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I still remember that time as one of the three times in my life I've been truly depressed where I've lost all my volition and desire. I was a walking body and not much else.

And soon after that, I began to have my back pain (which ended up being minor sculeiosis). At some point it was so bad that it incapacitated me and I was bed-ridden for two or three days. And from those days 'til now, I see that, though God has given me the desire to do missions work, he has not allowed me to act that desire out in the way I thought I would. In hindsight, it seems that God has prevented a path I would have taken.

Struggling with my current wrist/fingers/hand pain, I wonder if God is preventing something in my life. I haven't been able to ride my bike because of this, maybe preventing an accident? I dunno, all I'm saying is that there's something to be said here and that I'm trying to trust God's plan instead of my shortsighted goals.

As an aside: why would God give me a desire and yet pull back the opportunity at the last moment? I think God actually does this way more than we think. But many times we can't quite discern why. Maybe as a future theologian, I am supposed to imbue my students with a profound sense of mission that should fuel their theological study. Maybe this was God's way of waking me up from pure theological abstraction to the social ills of society, the deterioration of care for the poor, and contextualization of the gospel for other people groups. Maybe this is God's way of giving me another perspective from which to view theological issues. The key here: TRUST in God.

2) God may be forming me to empathize with and help others.
In a way, I actually hate thinking about this one because it feels like such a "third party" reason. Like, what did I do to deserve this? or why can't I just sympathize with people and not quite know their pain? Honestly, that's the path I'd rather take.

But I have found myself to be a more compassionate person because of my situation and I thank God that I have had the opportunity to encourage others. I know how people feel deep down about their pain even when they put on the mask of "it's all ok" and "I feel fine." Many times that is simply not true and they are rotting away on the inside. This extra sort of perception helps me relate to and minister to others. And I'm sure there will be future opportunities that I cannot even imagine now.

3) God may be punishing me.
I haven't really reflected upon this one much, which is probably just the natural tendency of people to think they've done nothing to deserve pain or consequences. But really, I've done a whole bunch of stupid things in my life that God just hasn't and will not punish because He's gracious and because Jesus has taken the blame for my idiocy.

But that is not to say that God will never punish his children, and truly that is his prerogative. What I haven't done, but should do, is pray with an open heart asking God if this is truly punishment. And if it is, will he heal me if I draw closer to him. This is one of those "heavy" lessons of the Christian life that I can talk about but have a very hard time implementing.

4) God may be teaching me to trust Him on a deeper level.
Like I already said, I try not to think of my future health and I try to rely on God on this level. I often wonder how far I've come from my Pentecostal roots. When I became "educated" I quickly left behind all practices that smacked of Penteocostalism, mainly because I had seen abuse after abuse of it my whole life. But thinking this way is like an atheist saying they don't believe in God because Christians are hypocrites. It's not ultimately a real reason, it's more like a smokescreen that conceals the real motive.

I wonder how strongly I've reacted against healing, and tongues, and prophecy, etc. But I especially think about healing. I don't pray for healing very much, and when I do, I lack oh so much faith. I am just ridiculously "scientized" and have been so indoctrinated by my culture that sometimes I can't believe that God will heal me. I get so dang cynical.

And I'm not the only one, there are tons of Christians like me. My dad, just the other day, got so tired of seeing me with my wrist braces and such, that he prayed for me and just started crying. He was praying for healing, but what was I doing? Praying. More like "praying." You know the feeling? You ask God for healing, you try your best to "expect" healing, and then you get paralyzed because you get lost in the dialectic about whether it's God's will to heal me, if it's not why am I praying, if I have so little faith will God heal me, how come my faith sucks, etc.

This is what I've learned: you pray for what you want. That's it, it's as simple as that. Many times we don't know God's will, and I can justifiably pray for half an hour for some specific request and not once mention "if it be thy will." To me, it is such a cop out to sprinkle my prayer for healing with "if it be your will" after every other sentence. Do I believe God will heal or not? Do I believe God wants to hear me cry out for what I want?

He does. It is proper to end one's prayer with "if it be your will." But I've seen far too many Christians, including my current self, fall into the trap of not believing what they're praying for.

And another thing, faith is overrated. I've had to drill this into my head because there is a device in my head (possibly sin or Satan but most likely stupidity) that makes my faith plummet once I realize that I lack faith. It's a deteriorating cycle. But really, Jesus healed people who didn't even ask for healing! And when you look at the Old Testament at the story of the three men thrown into the fire (Dan. 3) they sound confident that they will be delivered until they add "but if God doesn't..."! Ha!

We are to exercise whatever little faith we have which should be measure by an internal yardstick. I shouldn't compare my faith to the apostle Paul's or some pastor at church, but act upon my current capacity to trust. Any more than that is the preaching of a spirituality that hammers people down for not having already arrived at some sort of elusive perfection that no one can ever reach anyways.

5) God may be forming my character for a purpose.
About two years ago, I noticed that some serious anger, which had once lurked silently in my soul, was beginning to take the reigns of my life. It was actually kind of scary. And no, it wasn't just because of physical pain, there were actually some pretty intense emotional trauma going on with my own faith and in my relationship with my family. I considered going to counseling but wussed out.

My roommate called me out on this drastic change and made me aware of it. I then realized that though it's hard for me to control my pain, that I can control my attitude towards it. Some of you who haven't really gone through this will undoubtedly think this obvious and probably even easy to do. Not at all, I can't stress that enough. To this day, I secretly harbor a faint tinge of anger when anyone gives off the vibe that I only need to "merely" have the right attitude about it. Yeah, you have chronic physical pain for 10 years, then talk to me. The outcome of this though is that God has enabled me to become more patient because of my experience, and has also made me able to "take more", both physically and mentally. How this will come into play later, God will reveal as time progresses.

Wow, that was one LONG rant...uh, let me wrap this up with one final thing:

I want to give advice to those people who are like me. I know how it is to sit in pain and stare at other normal people who are laughing and having a good time because they don't have any pain to deal with. I used to do that a lot. I would struggle to sit through a 30 minute sermon, unable to focus on what's being said, and constantly grabbing my back in pain. And having crappy medical insurance and no money really tops it all off.

I would encourage people who have gone through, and are going through this, to not wish ill upon others. I used to have this twisted desire to have everyone be like me because I couldn't attain their health. But the reality is that they're blessed by God and that is awesome. And you know what? They have other problems that you've probably never considered. Focus on God's past deliverance of your ailments and situations and use that as a basis of trust in the future. It'll be nice to finally receive a regenerated body in heaven, one in which I can feel free. Hopefully God will give me the ability to fly, or maybe have superhuman strength.

Don't forget: God is always awesome and gracious, and "his compassion, it fails not."